You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Every concussion has its silver lining
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
