my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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