I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
