Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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