Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
