The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
