i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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