im six kinds of drunk right now
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
