I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
This is the high leading the old right now
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
