just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Also, beer. Big fan.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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