Got a toothbrush?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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