Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
