Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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