theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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