i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
