he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
