you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
