can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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