I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
