if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
