...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
