I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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