my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
