I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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