Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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