I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
a search helicopter?!
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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