dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
