I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
