yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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