You can't motorboat a personality
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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