I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
