i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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