don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
