Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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