great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
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Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
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Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize