he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
