I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
