The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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