i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
