Jerry, you need to find god
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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