This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
