I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize