John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
