Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We need a shit load of segways right now
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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