so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
