i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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