It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
