Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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