I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
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Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
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