I need to stop coming to work sober
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
