The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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