What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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