my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
