i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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