Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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