You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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