She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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