I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
